At least make sure they are 18
Why
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
