Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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