There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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