OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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