goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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