Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
