if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
