they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
