so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
