I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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