forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
