i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
