I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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