im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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