the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
