so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
