I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
