My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
