im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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