the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
