I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
