there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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