Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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