If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just found puke in my bra..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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