she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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