I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
