she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
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Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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