Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
