That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
