We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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