Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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