I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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