genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
