Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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