i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
