i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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