Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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