Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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