i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
