Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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