Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
