found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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