me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
