Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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