On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
