why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
