Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
there's paper in my vomit.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
