apparently the secret to your success is patron
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
