Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
