I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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