I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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