what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I understand Curling. That high.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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