; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
