This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
