He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
