Tell her she can't have a vagina
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
