the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
