it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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