I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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